Landscape

How has your landscape changed?

As I was walking the neighborhood on Saturday, I could not help but notice the debris left behind by Hurricane Irma.  Giant Leviathan Oaks felled by just a few hours of tremendous wind and rain.  Houses that once had these beautiful trees to shade them from the intense heat of the sun are now suddenly exposed, changing their landscape forever.  When I think deeper into this, every bit of life's landscape can be changed in just a few seconds, minutes, hours or days. 


So much has happened in the last month since Hurricane Irma swept through Florida.  Mexico was hit by a very large 7.1 Earth quake that killed many people.  In seconds the entire landscape of these Mexican towns has been brought to shambles, people lives turned upside down by loss of family, friends and their homes and belongings.  Hurricane Maria a Category 5 blew through Puerto Rico leaving behind massive devastation in just a few hours.  People losing their lives, major flooding, property swept away, no food, no water and no immediate help.  It will be years before the Landscape of Puerto Rico can be rebuilt and people comfortable in their homes.  Most recently a very mentally sick Man decided to hole up in a hotel in Las Vegas with an arsenal of weapons, busts out the windows and begins shooting innocent people enjoying a music festival.  In just 20 short minutes 58 people lost their lives and over 500 more where injured and the landscape of Las Vegas is now forever changed as is the landscape of our safety and well being.


Life is so very precious and it is not sickness or illness that are our biggest worries, it is events beyond our control that have come to haunt us.  We cannot live afraid, even though life has become a series of scary events.  We must persevere, we must continue to live our lives to the fullest.  We must enjoy time with our family and friends.  We must not be afraid to meet new people and plan new adventures for ourselves. 


I choose to bring light and joy to peoples lives.  I want people to know that I am there for them to listen to just be present in the moments we have with one another.  I want my smile to bring happiness to someone who is feeling down, I want my hugs to warm someone's heart who is angry or upset, I want my deeds of goodwill to bring support and trust to those that need it most.  I want people to remember me as a good person, thoughtful and kind and that when they think of me it puts a smile on their face. 


I want my daughter to know that good things come to people who do good deeds and speak kind words.  Kindness does not cost a thing, spread it everywhere.  I want her to embrace her future with excitement and joy no matter what threatens to change her landscape.  I pray daily for her, that she will live a long life filled with adventures and opportunities for growth and understanding. I want her to be filled with love and Joy in every moment that she experiences.


Prayer is what gets me through my days.  I am thankful for the time I have been given so far and the many blessings that God has bestowed upon me.  Cancer came into my life nearly 3 years ago, threatening the landscape of my life.  It was God and his love for me that got me through those dark days.  I pray for all people in my life, my community and in my world.  There are people I know who think prayer is a waste of time; that there is no God, that this world is not worth saving.  I do not agree and I pray for them the most.  God is good always, we as humans have made the clear and conscious choice to  make this world what is it.  It is a world full of chaos, people unable to trust in others, self doubt but it is also filled with joy, awe and wonder moments and miracles that happen everyday.  I want to be part of the world that finds joy in the small things, that is thankful for its blessings large or small.  I will continue to pray for this world, praying for peace and unity, praying for less judgments and more acceptance, praying for more truth and less injustices, praying that the hungry find nourishment, the homeless find the warmth of a bed and a roof over their head and that the sick and dying find healing and passing peacefully into God's Love.


Our Landscapes will always change in someway, we must learn to live with and embrace those changes so that we can live to the fullest God has planned for us. 

Time Flies

I cannot believe I have an 8th grader now.  It seems like yesterday Hannah was in Kindergarten and now she has finished her 7th grade year.  One more year of middle school and off to High school she goes, then college bound.  Where does the time go?  It just flies by.  I am trying to cherish every moment I have with my girl.  Even doing mundane things like traveling between home and gymnastics or helping her with her homework or cleaning her room are little joys I am trying to relish.  They are little for such a short period of time, it seems so easy to get caught up in the trappings of life, I need to slow down just a bit to remember everything about her.  Remember her laugh, that she loves to watch pretty little liar marathons when she is not at gymnastics, that she is hilarious especially when she is hanging with her friends.  I need to remember how fiercely protective of her mom she is and how loyal she is to her friends.  I love how she always has an answer or quirky explanation for something.  I love to listen to her sing to herself or play her piano when she doesn't think I am listening.  I love to listen to her talk to my mother on the phone, they have the most hilarious banter back and forth.  I love that she comes to me for everything, that she feels comfortable talking to me about life, or things she's confused about or just abstract things like how the world was made or even about her faith in God.  I love that she loves Jesus, it fills my heart with joy that I know she can turn to him during happy and sad moments. 


There was a time that I thought motherhood was illusive to me.  Mike and I tried to hard for so long to have a baby.  Thank God for modern medicine and our tenacity to have a child.  I am so thankful that I was allowed to be her mother.


So for now, I am happy in the notion that she is still my little girl for just a little longer.  She still needs me and wants to hang out with me, there is much joy in that. 

Surprise! You have cancer.

Well its been a while since I posted in my blog, life and all of its craziness gets in the way it seems. 


In February of 2015 I was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma, a rare uterine cancer.  What a shocker!  I was in the best shape of my life, feeling great!  I was training for my 7th half marathon in Savannah Georgia and during the training I had to pee all of the time and had this weird pressure when I ran.  I did not think much of it because I was getting close to menopause age and I was having hot flashes and all sorts of weird lady things happening.  But something in the back of my brain said "maybe you should make an appointment to see your GYN"  so in January 2015 I went and saw Leslie, the ARNP at my GYN office.  she examined me and said "I think something is going on with you.  Lets get an MRI and ultrasound done."  Well the ultra sound could not find my ovaries, and it looked as if my uterus was twice the size it should be.  The MRI confirmed that my ovaries were there, they were just shift back by a giant tumor the size of a foot ball on top of my uterus.  My bladder had also been crushed to my right hip, which explained the reason I had to Pee all of the time.  The report also read "RULE OUT LEIOMYOSARCOMA"


My OBGYN, Dr Farwick immediately sent me to UF cancer institute to see Dr Ana Preibe.  What an amazing woman.  She sat with my mom, husband and myself for over an hour explaining the steps we needed to take to get the tumor out.  The chances of it being cancer she said was pretty low but she did not want to take any chances getting the tumor out because it was so large.  She scheduled me for an open hysterectomy with a vertical incision. (I was not at all happy with that state of affairs, as I said before I was in the best shape of my life and I had my flat tummy that I had been working so hard for)  So the date of surgery was set for February 23, 2015.


The day of surgery was scary and nerve wracking.  The fear of the unknown I guess.  I was with Mike, in the preop area when Dr Preibe and her partner came into see me.  She said, "I have good news would you like to keep your uterus?"  You see she had just met with the tumor board and they were all of the same thought that my tumor was an over grown fibroid and the option to keep my uterus was on the table.  I immediately said, "no I don't need my uterus, I have my daughter Hannah and I am not planning on having anymore children at 47 years old."  So we all agreed to keep one ovary to keep me from going into full blown menopause.  Mike and I were over the moon excited, if the doctors don't think it's cancer it can't be cancer right?  Off I go to surgery!


10 hours later I awake in post op.  I am in a great mood, because I feel good, I am not nauseous and I have a great pedicure (which I showed off to my gurney driver who was taking me back to my room)  to see my family.)  It did not dawn on me at the time that it was 10 hours later, you see the surgery was only supposed to be a few hours long.  When I arrived in my room there was Mike waiting for me.  He had been crying, again it did not hit me that it could be anything because I was just happy to be done with surgery and glad to see my man.  Remember Dr Preibe was going to let me keep my uterus last we spoke.  It was not until all of the nurses and other staff left that Mike leaned in and said "Honey, I have some bad new."  He was crying again,  I looked in his eyes and I said "Is it Leiomyosarcoma?"  and with his one word answer " YES", My whole life was tipped upside down.


It took a few days for the word CANCER to sink in.  It was not until I was left alone in my hospital room for a few hours on the third day that the reality hit.  I had a total and complete melt down.  Crying uncontrollably and shaking until my bones hurt.  Thank God for my nurse, without a word she come into my room and just sat on the bed and held me patting my back.  When I sat up I apologized and she said "don't you dare apologize, I was wondering when this was going to happen?"  We sat and chatted about what to do next?  Did I need to talk with a therapist?  Did I need to talk with a priest?  How was I going to tell my daughter I had cancer?  She was just the person I needed to talk to , someone completely unbiased, not related to me who could get things done quick.  She helped me call my church to get my Priest, Father Tomas, to come out and pray with me and my family.  She organized a therapist to come and chat with Mike and I on which direction we go to tell Hannah about the cancer and to give me information on support groups.  She has no idea how much her kindness meant to me that day, the words Thank you just don't seem like enough.


After being home from the hospital for a few days, I had an appointment with Dr Preibe to go over the surgery, the biopsy results and what the next plan of action was to be.  I finally got to get the catheter out (I hated that thing) and I peed just fine.  My Mom, Mike and I had a great conversation with Dr Preibe.  She confirmed with us that in deed I was stage 2b Leiomyosarcoma and that she had never seen a case of this type of cancer since her training in medical school.  She let us know that all of the margins were clear, there was no lymph node involvement and that the cancer was incapsulated within the tumor.    She said I had very few options for treatment as the cancer was so rare but at this point it did not matter because they got all of the cancer.  We told her we wanted and second opinion and she insisted on getting one.  She told us of Martee Hensley, MD at Sloan Kettering who was the top researcher in this cancer.  She told us that she would have all of the medical records available for us whenever we were ready to see Dr Hensley.  The plan was to have CT scans of my abdomen, pelvis and chest every three months for the next 5 years and to see the oncologist every three months.  It was not bad news but it certainly was not great news either. 


Dr Martee Hensley, in my opinion is the top of her field, she has published paper after paper on this awful disease.  She knows her statistics inside and out and at the same time she is so very down to earth presenting the horrible news with hope and direction.  She informed us that my cancer tested positive for both estrogen and progesterone receptors so her recommendation was to have the  last ovary removed and to go on anastrozole 1 mg daily (an estrogen inhibitor) for the rest of my life.  Continue with the serial CT scans and follow ups with my local oncologist.  I would only need to return to see Dr Hensley if the cancer returned.  I hope I never see her again. 

Pomegranate Tree

About two years ago my patient, Mr. Williams, and I were talking about various plants and flowers. We both confessed how much we loved to eat pomegranates and all of the health benefits they hold. He informed me that he grew pomegranate trees and a few weeks later Mr. Williams brought a tiny pomegranate plant that he rooted just for me. He informed me that I would need to be very patient with my new plant because they are extremely slow growing and can take up to 5 years to yield its first fruit. I was so excited about my tiny plant that I went home and transplanted into a bigger pot and placed it in one of my front yard flower beds.

My little tree did not grow much. I kept feeding it and watering it and hoping for the best but I do not think it was very happy where it was living. So after a year, I moved it to the backyard where I transplanted it into yet another bigger and better pot, with fresh soil and new food. After one month my little Pomme tree had doubled in size, I was thrilled. Then after 3 months it had a tripled its size and I felt we were on our way to having some fresh pomegranate juice in this house.

His branches are strong and tall, reaching toward the sun and absorbing all of the nutrients the rays have to offer. The leaves are emerald green and perfectly shaped preparing the plant to accept the fruit that will soon blossom from its branches. I visit my plant every morning and every night while walking my dog Osbourne. I make sure there are no weeds in the pot to choke my beautiful Pomm tree and that i has plenty of water and food. I am so proud of that tree, I have worked hard to keep him alive and know the reward will be great when the juicy and sweet fruit is ready to be eaten.

I am so grateful for the generosity of Mr. Williams, he has given me something that teaches me patience and dedication. He will be the first person I give a pomegranate to.

I have a friend that has lived in my front yard bushes for years. He is very elusive and comes out only at night. He is a beautiful orange and yellow corn snake, 3 feet long with amazing markings. He seems to only come out when I am around. Mike has seen him once about a week ago after I pointed the snake out to him. He had climbed on the pillar of our front porch and was perched about eye level. You can get very close to him, even stroke his sleek orange skin and he will not slip away. Hannah has also seen him once, we were walking our dog just before bed time and I see something odd wrapped around the trunk of our sago palm tree. As I got closer, there he was my beautiful corn snake, nestled in the old frawn stems of the palm trunk. He let me touch his skin, which was smooth and cool to the touch just before he slithered deeper into the bushes of the front yard.

I love having him there, he protects our home from vermin and those nasty palmetto bugs and the like. He is never a bother, only coming out when he wants to be seen. He is not aggressive at all and adds a little color to the yard if I might say so. I hope I get to see my friend for years to come in that front yard bed. What an amazing little creature, we are all beautiful in so many different ways.

The Dragon Fly

I've always had a special kinship with Dragon Flys. They are magical creatures, deliverers of God's message of faith, hope and love. Gentle creatures that float and fly at whim, not afraid to explore plants, flowers, inanimate object, even us humans and share their curiosity of the world. In the spring when the flowers and crepe myrtle trees are in full bloom, the Dragon Flys surround our home. I love listening to their gossamer wings flap as they are flying and touching down to taste the sweet nectar the flowers have to offer.

Have you ever had the honor of having a Dragon Fly land on you? I have had that special privilege numerous times in my life. They wrap their tiny legs around your finger, gently holding tight, full trust that you are going to keep them safe. They take little nibbles of your skin getting to know you through their sense of taste and touch. Their eyes are like little windows into your soul sharing the goodness they see with you. I always count myself blessed that Dragon Flys find me so interesting. They remind me that I am special and have good things to offer this world.

Today there was a beautiful green and blue Dragon Fly in the garage. It kept flying from me to Hannah, landing on each on of us unafraid. I love teaching Hannah that God's creatures have so much to teach us about patience, love and acceptance. We all need to open our eyes and hearts to what nature has to show us.

Yellow Roses

I find such comfort in gazing at yellow roses. When seeing roses in gardens I am generally drawn to the yellow rose bushes or yellow long stem roses. There is something about their bright vivid color that remind me of a clear sunny day. My husband is the first and only person to ever give me yellow roses, he chose this color to signify our love and friendship. Their aroma is sweet and subtle, their buds are perfect, soft to the touch and gentle to the senses. When they open you can almost feel their energy, bold and strong, reaching out to conquer the day. They are mysterious and yet strangly familiar. They are a welcome sight at any time bringing you happiness and joy. I remember seeing yellow roses at my Granmother Mimi's funeral, instead of causing me saddness they reminded me that God's holy light shines on her forever. Last Mother's day my husband and daughter Hannah gave me a yellow rose bush that I could plant and keep all year long. They are very dainty yellow buds full of light and that sweet smell I love so much. I love pruning the bush, I feel like I am nurturing a friend that continues to give back to me each day. Yellow Roses are a huge sense of joy for me.